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This is how I'm supposed to be
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[20 Jun 2005|12:29am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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I never update this god damn thing and my picture is literally from 2002, but oh well.
Anyway, I'm here at my dad's apartment for the first time in Sacramento. It's actually really nice to be here, but kind of unreal. I know he still loves and misses my mom so much and it breaks my heart. He talks about her all the time and I know he wishes they could be together, as do I. I know that he's not really happy that he moved up here and I know he does not like living alone. Sometimes it's just really hard for me to realize that my family is so broken up- my mom in Thousand Oaks, me in SLO, and my dad all the way up here... 300 miles away from where we all started.
So much has changed since I graduated. Sometimes it's really hard for me to go back to Thousand Oaks because it's just not the same anymore. It hurts me to stay in my own god damn house because nothing about it is the same. My family and I had so many happy times in that house and it will never be like that again. We'll never take another family vacation to Mammoth, no more day trips to Santa Barbara... it's really sad. I had a really happy childhood and my parents were happy and so in love for a really long time, so I know I'm lucky in that aspect. I guess it's just hard for me to let go of that. Things are different now and I have to look to the future.
I think I miss live journal.
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[13 Jan 2005|01:55am] |
So livejournal, whats up? I thought I'd gotten over this addiction, but I guess not. Old habits die hard.
It makes me sick to think about how important it is to feel needed. My best guy friend from Jersey just visted me for a week. We used to have a totally different relationship but now we're just friends. I'm so happy that we've finally figured out our relationship, but at the same time I can't help feeling a bit jealous of his love. Trust me, I am SO glad that I am not his girlfriend. I could never, ever, EVER date him, and I knew this from the first time we hung out. Why do I always need to feel like I'm the best? I feel inferior to his girlfriend just because he loves her in a way that he doesn't love me. But thats the thing.... I don't even want him to feel that way about me. I think it's just the whole competition thing. How gay is that. Wow, I'm a gay homo. I thought I was over the bullshit of having to look to other people to make myself feel good but I guess i'm not. Shit.
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[06 Dec 2004|12:20am] |
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Bob Marley "is this love" |
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i love getting high and listening to reggae.
Mark is coming to visit me in january yayy
HAPPPPPPPY BIRTHDAY PATY!!! I LOVE YOUUU
I have an addiction to shopping.
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[27 Nov 2004|10:39pm] |
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mood |
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It's 10:30 on a Saturday night and I'm sitting alone in my uncle's kitchen drinking tea. The thing is, I have absolutely no problem with that. There is no place else I'd rather be.
My aunt dying has been a tragedy in our family, and I know this sounds disgustingly cliche, but it has brought us together. We've cried together countless times and talked about some hard things... things I never would have imagined my family having to discuss. It's amazing how family can pull together and overcome life's obstacles.
Yesterday we had a memorial service for my great grandma. Yes... Great Grandma Edna finally died at the ripe age of 100! We talked about how her death is completely different from Gi's, and it is, but I still hated seeing my grandpa so sad. It's a hard to lose your mother, no matter what age you are, or what age they are when they die.
After the service, my aunt Ann and I were sitting on the couch looking at pictures to put into a scrapbook we're making for my cousin so he can remember his mom when he's older. My two year old cousin saw this picture of GiGi and said "Mama!" Then Phil said "Yes, that's mama and she loves you very much... Mommy got sick..." I started crying and my cousin saw. Ann said "We're sad because we miss mommy," and then Phil said "Yeah, Mommy got sick and is in heaven..." by that time, all 3 of us were crying. My cousin just stared at the picture and gave it a big kiss. Thinking about it now makes me want to cry.
How do you go one when your wife/ mother of your two year old son dies? How can you possibly function? I don't get it. It's such a cruel thing to happen, and with no warning whatsoever. It's heartbreaking. I wish there was something more I could do for my uncle and cousin. I love them so much and I hate seeing my uncle in so much agony. Yesterday he was giving me some of GiGi's jewelery and he just wept in my arms. Death puts such a weird feeling over everything and I've never really understood that until now.
I plan on being up here a lot over Christmas break. After finals, I'm driving home where i'll stay for a few days. Then I'll fly to SF, stay with my uncle, and then fly with him and my cousin up to Seattle. There's no way I'm going to let him travel for the first time alone with a two year old. Then, I'll stay with him for the first two weeks in January and work in his law firm! I'm glad I can stay up here and help, but I'm totally stoked that I get to work in his office. It'll be really good experience.
Tomorrow = back to SLO. Still haven't heard from KB. Life is kind of a drag.
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| It's the cool thing to do... |
[24 Nov 2004|01:54am] |
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music |
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green day |
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A - Age: 19
B - Butter or Margarine: Margarine. butter is not on south beach diet.
C - Crush: ummm I think I have one... wait, i can't decide.
D - Dad's name: Dr. David Di Sarro
E: easiest person to talk to: hmmm i'm not sure. I haven't been chatting to many people lately
F - favorite band at the moment: Green Day or My chemical romance
G - gummy bears or gummy worms: gummy worms, but i'd rather eat chocolate
H- hometown: thousand oaks
I - instruments: 1st violin (DON'T LAUGH) then piano and guitar
K - kids: i probably won't have any. actually, knowing my luck, i'll get pregnant w/ twins.
L - longest car ride ever: all of them... i drive a lot.
M - Mom's name: Lynn
N - number of siblings: only child.
O - one wish: to be happy
P - phobia[s]: ophediophobia (morbid fear of snakes)
Q - favorite quote: i hate fuckin quotes
R - reason to smile: someone give me a reason to smile
S - song you sang last: jesus of suburbia
T - time you wake up: 8:00am. No matter how early I wake up, I can never make it to my 9 am class on time.
U - Underwear Type: thongs? booty shorts?
V - vegetable you hate: I <3 veggies
W - worst habit(s):smoking too many cigs
X - x-rays you've had: oh god... ankle numerous times, thumb, back, knee
Y - yummy food: yummy food? whats that?
Z - zodiac sign: pisces
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| to fall in love and fall intact to alcohol and cigarettes and mary jane to keep me insane |
[23 Nov 2004|12:08am] |
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disappointed |
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music |
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dashboard |
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On friday I just had to get the hell out of SLO, so I drove up to San Francisco and hung out with Marissa! I picked her up at the Embarcadaro and then we drove around looking for parking for about 30 mins. I swear, if I ever live in the city, I'm selling my car and getting a vespa and taking full advantage of public transportation. Anyway, we went back to her apartment on campus and then took the muni to Castro district (gay part of town). It was fabulous haha. So many happy gay couples hehe. We ate at this gaudy italian restaurant called the sausage factory which played loud disco music the entire time. It was great... Mars and I just laughed and talked the whole time. Then I went over to Berkley to visit KB. He was wassssted when I got there, but it was really funny. Saturday, we went to the Cal/ Stanford game. GO BEARS!!! haha jk i don't give a shit. KB was hungover so I just drank beers on the hill with all his friends. That night we went out to some frat house where I swear the bros put a roofie in my drink (not really). I did black out though and KB said he was holding me up the whole night. Oops. Well, my car got towed on Sat. because of the game. $130. Fuck me. my car has been towed 4 times now. FUCK. So yeah... KB was supposed to stop by in SLO today on his way to encinitas but he never called. Why do guys do that? So weird. Whatever. I can't really tell if I like him or not. I mean, I do... I dunno, I guess its just too soon to tell. evs.
I wish I were going homeee for thanksgiving and not SF. I miss TO.
I'm pissed. I don't have shit to do on Wed. but for some reason the fucking pool is open so I have to work 4-7. GRRRRRRRRR. That means I have to drive to SF wed. night. PISSED.
Peace out motherfuckers.
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[10 Nov 2004|02:55am] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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It is now 2:55 in the AM and I just finished my 1276 word paper on deductive reasoning and logical fallacies.
Phew that was a close one.
And it's a damn good paper, if I do say so myself.
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[04 Nov 2004|12:01am] |
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mood |
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numb |
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music |
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Brand new - me vs. maradona vs. elvis (my fave) |
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I am so disgusted with our country. I really thought that the American people had done their homework and thought about this election logically. I guess I was wrong. I can't understand how the majority of the population, in a country where there is supposedly freedom of religion and separation of church and state, can vote based on faith and emotion. Bush got more votes from conservative right wing evangelists which won him the election.
I can't understand how people can claim to be Christians but fail to act on the Good Will. How can they think what they are doing is right and follows the morals of Christianity when they are killing innocent people in Iraq. We are hated all over the world (trust me, I discovered this first hand in Norway)and Americans are so egotistical that they don't give a shit. They don't care that Bush said a big "fuck you" to the rest of the world and acted unilaterally. Don't people see that Bush is neither for the democrats or the republicans, but simply for the corporations?
I am honestly scared for the future. Now that Bush has been elected for another 4 years, there's no stopping him. He's got it all, but he's a greedy bastard. There's more oil to be taken and more lives to be sacrificed because for these billionaires that run our country, it's never enough.
One more thing that pisses me off about Bush is that he wants to extend the 14th amendment to unborn babies but not to gays. It is ridiculous that he can say that fetuses deserve the same rights as everyone, but not homosexuals. How un-christian-like of him. What a hypocrite.
Not only am I upset about the election, I am appalled at the way California voted for the props. Prop 69 lets the government take DNA from anyone arrested for a felony. If you steal a shoe, your DNA will be put into a data base. A lot of people agree with this, but it's a little too 1984-ish for me. What happens if they mix your DNA up with someone elses? What happens if you are set up for a crime you did not committ? All the evidence would point to you because they would have your DNA. What jury would argue with DNA evidence? None. Also, prop 64 prevents lawyers from filing suits on behalf of the People of the State of California. Adios, civil liberties. Both of these props infringe on our rights and it scares me. In SLO, Measure Q didn't even pass! It was going to protect the crops grown in this area from genetic engineering, but didn't interfer with genetic research (which I support). Doesn't anyone even care about the food we eat? Don't people care about their own health? The only thing anyone cares about is money.
So anyway, how am i? Not good. My aunt died last weekend. She was 44 and 8 1/2 weeks pregnant. The funeral was awful... definitely the hardest thing I've ever been do. It was just heartbreaking seeing my uncle and their little boy. I have never seen anyone in so much agony in all my life. Hearing everyone weeping and mourning was sickening. I didn't eat or sleep for two days. I feel better now that I'm back to my life, but not really...
Something is definitely missing from my life. I know what I want, but I can't have it. I miss my friends so much. I feel like I have no one up here. I think I need to get out of SLO. There's nothing left for me here. I'm not finding what I'm looking for. Maybe I'm being impatient, but it sucks waiting. I am not tied down in anyway and no one keeping me here. On one hand, it's liberating, but at the same time I wish I had someone keeping me here. Maybe I should get my shit together so I can transfer next fall. Or move home. Or something.
School makes me really happy. I love my major and I love law... so far. Lots of people discourage me from it saying that it's too hard and too time consuming, but I love it so far. I think I might have a knack for it too. My poli sci professor recommended me to be a tutor for the poli sci department and I think I'm going to get the job for next semester. $9.08/hour. I'm flattered that I got my teacher's recommendation. It would look really good on apps, too.
I'm ready for a change. So ready.
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[18 Oct 2004|11:02pm] |
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Dashboard "standard lines" |
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I finished everything on my to-do list, but I still feel so incomplete.
P.S. I got sevens for $42 today. hah.
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| I'm a mess, I guess... |
[05 Oct 2004|12:56am] |
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I think I'm over updating livejournal. On an upside, I have been writing in my real journal a lot more.
I just finished writing a lil paper about the debate. Basically, Bush is a dumbass, but I'm sure you already knew that.
I went home this weekend. It was nice to see Lib and Bree. Oh yeah, it was nice to see my Mom and my doggie, too. Sonny LOVES to give me hugs and kisses and cuddle. I'm glad my mom has him to keep her company. I always feel so bad when I have to leave her all alone in our house. I feel so guilty about going away to school, but then again I know that it makes her happy to see me happy. I just hope she's not lonely.
I'm really focused on school lately. I really like most of my classes, especially Critical Thinking and Legal Controversies. I leave those two classes thinking "wow, I'm exhausted from thinking so hard."
So, for those of you who don't know, I have a Norwegian 7th (or something like that) cousin who is obsessed with me. He used to call me allll the time, even though I told him soo many times not to fucking call me anymore, bitch. He is SO weird. If I didn't answer my phone, he would call me 8 times in a row, no joke. While I was in Chico, he called me and told me he was in love with me and "DON'T YOU KNOW I WOULD SACRIFICE EVVVVERRRYYYTHING TO BE WITH YOU?!?!??!?!?" just imagine this insane guy yelling at the top of his lungs with a norwegian accent. It's actually quite funny. Then I got pissed because he told his dad and his entire family that I'm a lesbian and he said "FUCK MY FATHER!!! YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN MY FATHER!!" jesus christ. So then I thought I finally got rid of him after flat out saying "I don't like you, you are nuts, don't call me anymore, I never want to talk to you again, etc." but he called me the other day when I drove down to SB to meet my mom! He was being psycho. He was screaming soooo loud and just out of control. Hopefully he got it through his head this time, but there is seriously something wrong with him, so says my mom. Thank God he doesn't live in the US, otherwise I'd probably have to get a restraining order. He is literally insane.
I have a tummy ache and need to go to bed.
<3333333 Emmy
PS LEE-BEE, DON'T YOU KNOW I WOULD SACRIFICE EVERYYYYTHING TO BE WITH YOU!??!?
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[26 Sep 2004|04:34am] |
I just walked home from California and Murray st. all by myself. As I was walking, I realized that life isn't worth anything unless you have one person to care about you.
Fuck me.
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[10 Sep 2004|12:33am] |
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Mae- all deliberate speed |
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Yesterday while Sam, Carrie, and I were driving home from Chico, my car got a flat tire. It just blew out, and we were on this pretty narrow road on 101 South. Sam could barely get control of the car, but she did really well and we made it to the left shoulder. A narrow shoulder, but still a place to move over. All of our cell phones were dead, so we decided to get out of the car and flag someone down. We finally got someone to stop for us and used their cell phone to call AAA. The guy and I walked up the road to my car to check if I had a spare and Sam and Carrie were still behind us. I got to my car, saw that I did have a spare, and not even 5 seconds later I heard tires screaching. I looked up and saw two cars crash into each other, and then a third car rear end them. Then the cars crashed into the guard rail and I see Sam BOLTING up the hill, running for her fucking life. Then I immediately looked for Carrie and saw her tiny body being flung by the car. I dropped everything and sprinted up the hill and then down to where she was laying. I was screaming "CARRIE, CARRIE" but she wasn't responding. I thought "oh shit, I'm gonna have to do CPR." I finally made it to her, checked her, and saw that she was breathing and had a pulse. Me and the guy who stopped for us were just trying to wake her up. She was unconcious for a little while but her eyes started to flutter and she was moaning. Then her eyes opened and just stared
off into space. The CHP came but not because of a 911 call, but becasue my car was on the side of the road. Anyway, to make a long story short, the EMTs came, saw her leg was totally deformed and definitely broken, firemen came, put her on the backboard and splinted her leg (which was awful. They life-lined her to Standford. As soon as she left, Sam and I hugged for about 3 minutes and just cried. We couldn't believe what we just went through. After that, he nice CHP officer gave Sam and I a ride to the hospital. We were so freaked out. We kept bursting into tears and I've never had the shakes so bad. Definitely traumatizing to see one of your best friends get hit by a car on the freeway. We finally got to see Carrie in the ER, and she was actually ok. We were joking around and I told her "We're fucked," because that was our motto for the float down the river in Chico. After that they moved her to the ICU. Ryan and her parents finally came. My dad came from my uncle's house in SF to come rescue me. I was so exhausted from all the stress, shock, trauma, etc. that I collapsed when I got to Phil's. I was so restless and kept having nightmares all night.
Carrie is gonna be alright. Sjhe broke her leg in 5 places, had a few lacerations on her liver, and a small puncture in her lung. She has to have a full leg cast for over 12 weeks, so she's going home for the rest of the semester. So sad.
I feel better now, but what a shitty end to one of the funnest weekends I've ever had.
143 Carrie Ann
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[01 Sep 2004|12:26am] |
P.S. Ever wonder where all the cute Cuesta guys are? THEY'RE AT THE POOL!!!
I lifeguarded mens water polo today and jesus they were hot.
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[01 Sep 2004|12:07am] |
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death cab |
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i'm not gonna lie, the main point of this post is because i'm high and i wanted to use the little mood icon thingy.
Went out a lot this weekend. Had some crazy nights and some lazy days (Sam and I watched the entire 5th and 6th seasons of Sex and the City). It was fabulous haha.
Next weekend = Chico. Sam, Carrie, Brittney, me, and about 8 other people are all staying at Ryan's house. Oy vey, I predict drama. Gather more than 4 people from Encinitas in one room and there will be drama. It'll be alright, as long as we're wasted the whole time.
Well, time to chat with friends and read some Plato and then bed.
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[19 Aug 2004|12:33am] |
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tired |
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Well, I just wrote a whole entry and my stupid internet kicked me off.
Anyway, I got the lifeguarding job! yessss.
My first post was much longer, but I guess that was all I wanted to say.
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[18 Aug 2004|12:06am] |
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mood |
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 content |
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My dad bought me a 32 inch tv to put downstairs. It's super nice. Thanks dad.
I bought a featherbed yesterday. My matress still feels like it came from a jail cell, but it's better.
I have an interview tomorrow at Cuesta pool. I hope hope hopeeee I get a job as an instructor/guard.
My philosophy teacher is sooo liberal. We spent the whole class talking about politics. It's great. Everyone in the class is going to get so pissed at her. I had to buy her published book of poems for the class. The pic of her on the back is hilarious!! She is on the prrowwlll. I also dropped my astronomy and trig classes and enrolled in Sam's stats class. I'm gonna try to go to a different astronomy class though.
tonight after our walk and 8 min abs, Sam, Carrie and I were dancing to the "Jamacia 'me sweat" video when the security guard came by and told us we were being too loud! Honestly, it was 9pm and all we were doing was prancing around and laughing. Eff u, WSG.
Our lil apartment is starting to feel like home.
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| horray for south beach diet |
[17 Aug 2004|12:32am] |
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music |
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death cab "a lack of color" |
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yayy I'm finally back in SLO! We spent all day Saturday moving our shit in. I don't really have that much stuff so it didn't take too long for me. I still have to buy a few more things though. Sat. night we all went out and saw people I hadn't seen since I was last up here. Sunday, Sam, her mom and I went on a crazzyyyy shopping spree. We just had to get a bunch of random stuff for our apartment. Glad that's done with
Today I woke up late. Honestly, who oversleeps on the first day of school? Me, thats who. Fortunately, Jenny woke me up at 8:45 for my 9:30 class so I hauled ass to school. My classes were ok, but my legal controversies class might get canceled which I'm bummed about. It was the only class I was really looking forward too.
I'm so weird... I totally didn't realize that I scheduled early classes. I remember I registered really fast right before I went to Norway and didn't really think about it. oh well, I think my schedule will actually be alright.
i'm tired... time for bed.
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[12 Aug 2004|01:41am] |
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contemplative |
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music |
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Mae.... oh wait, i lost that CD too. |
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It's very boring when people don't update LJ. I think I need something else to entertain me online.
Today I woke up at 9 (still early, but better than 4am). I had acupuncture on my back instead of going for a run. I'm feeling much better. I ran erands, bought Bree's b day present, and bought a bathing suit that doesn't fit too well for supa cheap. Went to dinner, hung out at Bree's, watched for shooting stars, smoked the long awaited pineapple flavored camels. Kinda disappointing- the meteor shower and the camels. Oh yeah, today I also bought a down comforter and a sexy velvet cover. My bed is gonna be great.
I really need to pack. I keep procrastinating, but I really really gotta do it tomorrow. We gotta finish the tequila I have before I leave.
Libby put on an away message for me that was from Nepolean Dynomite. I have not seen that movie, so anyone who responded to that, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Everyone should watch the Michael Jackson movie on VH1. He is GREEN!!
Peace
PS I lost a bunch of my cd's on the airplane. I cried. Please burn me some cd's such as:
Mae-destination beautiful
Coheed and Cambria- in keeping secrets of silent earth 3
New Found Glory- (the new one)
The Juliana Theory- understand this is a dream
Counterfit
The rest I fortunately had on my computer. Lib- will you please re burn me:
My Chemical Romance
Incubus (the new one)
Story of the Year
kthxbye
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